Serenity

So I went and met with some people tonight and we talked about how we felt about our reactions to the storm. A lot of people expressed distress that they'd evacuated because other people had begged and badgered them to. There was an overall consensus that those of us who stayed were choosing to have confidence in ourselves and be true to that and risked making our loved ones very angry, and now felt guilty and ashamed. I'm just going to go ahead and say it. I feel like shit b/c I feel like everyone who urged me to evacuate is disappointed in me, or didn't think I could cope with staying here, or thinks I'm a selfish idiot. I'll never know what I could have coped with if things had been worse. I am going to say that I did stay on ground that did not flood during Katrina, so if the same areas that flooded had flooded this time, my generator would have functioned differently than the generators owned by people staying in areas that flooded. Maybe I was crazy for thinking that if an area didn't flood during Katrina, it wouldn't flood during Gustav. That's the logic most of the people who stayed who I've been interviewing followed. I'm glad that those of you who evacuated are having a great time out there enjoying whatever vacation spot you've landed in, and I really mean that. Maybe the fact that I was on vacation for the past 2 months made me hesitant to see this evacuation as a vacation. I stand by the fact that I couldn't have handled evacuating. My car wouldn't start on Sunday. I could not have carried 3 animals in Andrea's truck. Those are coincidences; I'd already decided to stay. One thing I can take away from this experience is that I need to go to therapy about evacuations I experienced in a certain toxic 5 year relationship. If you want to know why I'm afraid to evacuate, ask him if he's sober enough to answer you. The main point that everyone I met with tonight at 8 p.m. and everyone who I interviewed agreed upon is that it is not fair to yell at someone for staying, to ream someone out for staying, to accuse someone who is staying of causing you stress that you don't need. That is something for a person to discuss with a therapist. It is not my fault that certain people had nothing better to do than blame me for contributing to their stress. I am not talking about Joe or Sarah or Matt here, whose comments were brief and came from love and concern and not anger. I am speaking for everyone who chose to stay here who didn't need to hear it from everyone who was watching CNN news or suffering from whatever affliction prevents them from staying out of other people's lives. It does not help to browbeat a person into evacuating. Some of my friends who evacuated because they were yelled at and blamed for others' anxiety are a mess now. They're either not back yet or here, crying and breaking down that they are more anxious than ever. They may be ingesting certain beverages that are deadly for them. People make their own choices, and I am not blaming anyone who evacuated. I am not sitting here thinking I was smarter than anyone else. I was just lucky that it wasn't Nagin's "Mother of all storms" and that I had my wits together to prepare for the storm. The fact that my parents supported me speaks volumes b/c they actually listened to my plan instead of telling me I was putting the life of a rescue worker at risk. So for all of you out there who reamed out those of us who stayed, who yelled at us and belittled us and made us cry from anxiety, please try to keep the focus on yourself next time. It did not help. Whatever calm reaction/behavior the people who stayed held onto was in spite of the blame and anxiety of other people. I hate this blog and I hate the way I've been writing it because I'm so afraid of f*&king offending anyone who yelled at me about staying that I have barely put any of myself into it. That's my issue, and I can only correct it by getting some distance. An actual article is to follow this. Welcome home.